Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

I always finish these with the cat's perspective, because she must have the last word. 


7:07 AM. Waking up at home. Yawn and a big stretch. Slept well. Dreamed of unwinding a really big ball of yarn.


7:09 AM. Jumping on the back of the couch. Sniffing about. Trying to detect any lingering scent of the idiot relations. I tell you this: I’m not going to forget anytime soon that the staff let those dimwits she calls family stay here for three whole days over the Easter weekend. Three days of hiding in bolt holes from those obnoxious rugrats....


7:11 AM. On the back of the couch, surveying the vastness of my domain. Sunny today. Very good. Now if it just stays sunny today, so much the better. That will have me in a good mood. Sunshine equals sun puddles. And sun puddles equal nice places to nap. I know, it’s weird to think of naps when you haven’t been awake more than five minutes...


7:14 AM. The staff comes downstairs, and I greet her with a meow and a head bonk to the legs. Well, hello there, staff, good to see you. How about some breakfast? I’m feeling a bit peckish, after all, and it is about that time of the day, you know...


7:15 AM. Meowing my menu choices to the staff. Tuna on a slightly chilled plate would suit me quite nicely, and a bowl of milk on the side. Oh, and have I mentioned that I don’t want any field rations? Staff, I have made it quite clear to you on previous occasions that....


7:16 AM. The staff provides me with breakfast. Chicken instead of tuna, which is acceptable. A bowl of milk. And for whatever reason, a bowl of field rations. I sigh, and dig into the chicken.


7:21 AM. Out on the back porch while the staff has her breakfast. Soaking in the sun. Feels nice and warm. You know, a cat could easily fall asleep in this kind of warmth, even if she’s only been up for, what? Fifteen minutes...


7:43 AM. Waking up suddenly to the sound of distant barking. That irritating mutt from down the road is out there somewhere. Disturb my idyllic drowsiness, will he?


7:44 AM. Meowing at the door to be let back inside. Hey, staff!  Let me in!


7:45 AM. No response to my persistent meows. Wait a minute... she didn’t leave for work without my knowing about it, did she?


7:46 AM. Thoroughly annoyed. The car is now missing from the driveway. Which means my staff went off to work. Which means I’m locked out of the house. Which means I can’t get back in until she’s home. So help me, if it rains today, there’s going to be hell to pay...


7:52 AM. Fuming. Okay, it’s not the end of the world. So I’m locked out here all day. That just means any naps will have to take place out here on the deck. Of course, the problem with that is that if that annoying mutt comes around here, he might bark me out of a sound sleep, because that’s just the kind of annoying thing an annoying mutt would do. So if I do sleep, I have to sleep with one ear open. Whatever that expression means.


8:03 AM. Sitting and brooding on the deck. Locked out all day. I swear, that staff of mine is going to hear an earful about this from me when she gets home this afternoon. 


8:12 AM. Movement at the treeline. That’s not that irritating mutt, is it? No. It’s a skunk.


8:13 AM. The skunk approaches. I am on my best behaviour. They’re fairly good company, after all, but you do not want to startle them.


8:14 AM. Greeting the skunk. Top of the morning to you. Have you been on your rounds?


8:16 AM. The skunk informs me she had an encounter with that deranged dog in the woods earlier. She says that for once he was behaving himself. Yes, well, you should have sprayed the hound anyway, just to teach him some manners. I inform the skunk that my staff has locked me out of the house all day. We discuss the chances of precipitation. The skunk doesn’t really care if it rains, but wet cats are not happy cats, after all.


8:19 AM. Bidding goodbye to the skunk. Like I said, good company, but you want to be somewhere at a distance from them if they get spooked by fireworks.


11:23 AM. Waking up from a nap. Fortunately a restful sleep, no disturbance by annoying mutts.


11:40 AM. Have walked over to see Mrs. McIntyre at her place. She’s good company, always has time to spoil me rotten on those occasions I’m locked out of the house for hours on end.


12:02 PM. Purring madly in the company of Mrs. McIntyre, who has provided me with a lunch of a bowl of milk and some slices of ham. You’re a doll, you know that?


2:57 PM. Bidding farewell to Mrs. McIntyre, who’s been so kind and pleasant and spoiling of me. See you later!


5:03 PM. Frowning at the staff as she opens the front door of her car. Where have you been all day, staff? Locking me out of my own home. Honestly, if you just left the door ajar all day, I could come and go as I like.


5:06 PM. Continuing to give the staff a piece of my mind while she settles in. Meowing my irritation at being locked out all day. I make no mention, of course, of being spoiled rotten by Mrs. McIntyre.


6:32 PM. The staff makes up for the whole locking me out of the house thing with a good dinner. Lamb chops all cut up into small bite sized portions. Yes, this suits me fine. But I’m still annoyed with you, staff. I may have to take it out on the back of your chair.


11:39 PM. The staff is off to bed. Well, have a good night, staff. I shall be on my best behaviour. And by my best behaviour, I mean that I will, of course, run madly through the house at three thirty in the morning for absolutely no reason meowing my head off.

8 comments:

  1. Too much good stuff here to choose a favorite! But if I had to...

    Nope. Still can't choose. You had me at "ambush committeh" but then there was the cat riding the dog wearing sunglasses. I'm torn.

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    1. I know, it's an epic of adorableness.

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  2. Grumpy Cat feels pretty... LOL

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  3. The cool dog with sun glasses has to be a favorite.

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  4. There are so many wonderful bits here! My kitties used to chase the red dot but I felt sorry for them, so don't do that very often anymore! And they always hide when relatives come; they rightfully don't trust them (shhh...don't tell anyone I said that)! Great post, William. That ambush committee is hilarious. Cleopatra, who is my kitty, does like to nibble at my toes if perchance I should move when she's laying across my feet in bed at night!

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