Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, May 30, 2015

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

7:36 AM. Waking up at home. How did that staff of mine get out of bed without waking me up? I must have been sound asleep. Well, no matter. I’ll have to go instruct her to make some breakfast post haste.

7:39 AM. I have located the staff precisely where I expected to find her, in the kitchen tending to breakfast. Cereal today. Staff, you might not be making any eggs and bacon for yourself this morning, but I expect a couple of strips of bacon, post haste!

7:41 AM. The staff disappoints me yet again by putting down a bowl of field rations.

7:44 AM. Meowing loudly at the back door, demanding to be let out. 

7:46 AM. Out on the back deck. Surveying my domain. No sign of birds.

7:57 AM. I can hear the barking of that annoying mutt off in the distance. Just as long as he keeps his distance. 

8:36 AM. Chasing some dragonflies on the lawn. Get back here, you!

9:15 AM. Exploring the meadow. Hmmm, what’s that smell? Catnip? It is!

9:16 AM. Sniffing the catnip and rolling around the plant. In a state of ecstasy. Okay, I’ll admit it, I’m addicted to the stuff.

9:47 AM. The staff calls me back inside. Very well, staff, I hope this means you’ve made a triple decker tuna cake for me in compensation for that breakfast.

9:48 AM. Staff? Where is my tuna cake?

10:01 AM. It seems the staff is getting ready to go out somewhere. Staff, this is entirely unacceptable. This is the weekend, after all, and it is your duty to pay attention to me. Although if this happens to involve your going out to see those idiot relations of yours, better at their home than inviting them here. I really don’t like those kids.

10:15 AM. And the staff is out the front door with the keys. Yes, she’s going off for the day. No idea when she’ll be back. I’ll have to entertain myself for the rest of the day.

12:38 PM. Waking up out of a nap. No sign of the staff. How long does it take to get whatever she has to do done, anyway? 

1:06 PM. After some internal debate, I eat some of the field rations. The staff had better make up for this at dinner, or there will be hell to pay.

1:13 PM. Turning on the Weather Channel after taking a glance outside. Nice and sunny outside. The halfwit forecaster looks panicked, and is going on and on about human sacrifices, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria. And they wonder why no one takes that profession seriously.

3:35 PM. Waking up from another nap. The staff still isn’t home?

3:52 PM. Just noticing the linen closet door upstairs is open. I wonder what I can get into in there.

3:54 PM. Success! A ball of yarn! Oh, the trouble I can get into with one of these....

4:46 PM. Surveying the full unraveling of the yarn ball. You know, when I start playing with one of these things, I’m never quite sure how I got through that nook, under that cranny, and around that piano. 

5:15 PM. The staff arrives home. Well, it’s about time you showed up! She sees the first of the unravelled yarn, looks at me, and rolls her eyes. Hey, this wouldn’t happen if you had properly closed that door. So really, this is on you.

5:27 PM. The staff is busy picking up the string and muttering something about why she didn’t just buy a ferret. Oh come on, you were meant to be my staff! I walk up to her and head-butt her leg, purring. The staff gives me a good pat. Works every time.

6:32 PM. Having dinner with the staff. She’s cut up some chicken strips for me. Very tasty with a side of milk. 

7:02 PM. Supervising the staff while she does the dishes. Humans must be carefully watched at all times.

11:16 PM. Watching national news with the staff. That guy from the Weather Channel got fired for being drunk on the job. Well, that explains that bizarre rant and use of the Ghostbusters quote earlier today. As if dogs and cats could ever live together.

11:45 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff. Don’t close the door, I’ll probably be upstairs sometime. After I call the pizza shop and have them send a tuna pizza with extra anchovies.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

Some links before getting started today. Norma posted about an unlikely transformation. Cheryl made note of her ill cat. Ivy had a Captain America bit.And Mark wrote about whether writers can make a living doing what they do.

I am ending this month with another pair of my dog and cat blogs, starting as always with the point of view of that troublemaking hound Loki....

7:03 AM. Waking up at home. Dreamed of chasing that infernal squirrel. I had him all cornered and ready to be done with... when the sound of that rooster out at the barn hollering woke me up. Note to self: bark up a storm at that rooster later.

7:31 AM. Hello there, human! How about we get ourselves started on fixing me some breakfast?

7:33 AM. Massive tail wagging and much grinding of teeth as I wolf down breakfast. Kibbles are so yummy!

7:41 AM. Out the door for my morning constitutional. Barking up a storm.

7:45 AM. A stop at the barn. Delivering a fierce barking at lecture to that rooster. Some of us were having good dreams until you had to start crowing, you know! The rooster acts like he doesn’t care. At least this one doesn’t speak with a Southern accent and spend all day making my life hell.

7:54 AM. Running through the back fields, barking my head off. You know, it occurs to me that all this barking might tend to alert annoyances like squirrels that I’m around.

8:21 AM. Stopping to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. We greet each other in the customary sniffing of the hindquarters. 

8:23 AM. Spike and I discuss strategies for rooting out those awful squirrels. We agree they’re up to something, but what? World domination through caches of nuts? Stealing food from backyard patios and putting their stores to some vile purpose? Unfortunately it’s not possible to get intelligence from within the camp of the enemy. What with squirrels hating dogs so much and vice versa.

8:25 AM. Spike and I debate just what possible use roosters actually have. He doesn’t care much for how they crow so early in the morning either.

8:28 AM. Parting ways with Spike. We promise to keep each other up to date on any sightings of the enemy.

9:03 AM. On my way home. I think for a moment of stopping by to say hello to that cat... but maybe I should do better and just leave that cranky cat alone. Why she doesn’t like me, I have no idea. I mean, I’m a pretty likeable dog, right? Well, maybe not so much for that time the other week when I barked at her out of a sound sleep. But how long can she hold a grudge?

9:12 AM. Back home. Hello, human! Nice day to be out and about, but I didn’t manage to find any mud puddles or roadkill to roll around in. I think I’ll have a nap. Tell that rooster to keep his beak shut.

12:03 PM. Waking up out of nap thanks to sound of dishes being moved around in the kitchen. Is it lunch time?

12:05 PM. Using my sad eyes technique to do some mooching. Hopefully it pays off with good dividends.

12:07 PM. The human gives me a dinner roll. Yum yum yum!

1:15 PM. Out with the human at the barn while she’s doing a few things. Keeping a close watch. Barking at that rooster again.

3:30 PM. Tea time! Hopefully I can mooch a cookie.

3:41 PM. Operation Mooch A Cookie has met with great success. Butterscotch cookies taste so yummy!

4:10 PM. Staring outside at the sky. Contemplating the meaning of life. Does the dog scratch the itch or does the itch scratch the dog?

4:12 PM. My musings are interrupted by movement out on the lawn. It’s that infernal squirrel! Human! Let me out! Let me out right this minute! I must launch a full canine offensive against that demonic adversary! Look at him! He’s right out there rubbing his little paws together, and that means he’s up to something! Do you want him raiding the bird feeders? Let me out!

4:13 PM. Shooting out the door at top speed. Barking my head off. Foul varmint! This time I have you!

4:14 PM. The annoying squirrel is laughing at me while perched on that branch out of my reach. He’s laughing at me. I circle around the tree, barking viciously. And he’s laughing

6:27 PM. The human calls me in. I’ve been circling around this tree for over two hours, and that squirrel is still out of reach. Oh, sure, laugh away, you repugnance, but one of these days, you’ll let your guard down.

One of these days you’ll slip up. And guess what? 

I’ll be there.

6:35 PM. The human and I are having dinner. Bacon pancakes suits me nicely. Good compensation for not catching that squirrel.

11:35 PM. The human is off to bed. I’m just as well staying down here, human. I’ll keep an eye outside. If that squirrel comes back in the night, I’ll see him. And then, one way or another... I’ll bark so loud it’ll wake up the dead.