Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Revenge Of The Easter Bunny

"Answer the question, damn it. Where are the Easter eggs?"

"Look, Doc, you've got it all wrong. I'm not the Easter Bunny. I'm Bugs Bunny. You know, eater of carrots, annoyer of Elmer and Yosemite Sam, beloved by millions? I don't spend my time delivering Easter eggs. You're looking for some other rabbit. Now why don't you just let me go and we'll forget this ever happened?"

"Shut up and answer the question!"

"How am I supposed to answer a question when you're telling me to shut up? I knew I should have taken a left turn at Kansas City."

"What's this about Kansas City? Is that where the eggs are hidden? Tell me! Tell me!!!"

"Doc, you've gotta calm down. Really, you're going to give yourself a heart attack."

"I've had forty seven of those already."

"You remind me of Elmer. Anger management issues, bald... though you don't have a speech impediment."

"Stop distracting me with complete asides! Where are the Easter eggs, or do I start getting nasty?"

"You weren't already being nasty? What a maroon."

"Maroon? What's that? Codeword for destroying the country? Not on my watch!"

"Doc, you seriously need help. I mean padded walls, sedation, and therapists around the clock help."

~ taken from transcripts of an interrogation between Bugs Bunny and Dick Cheney, 2006

Yes, I know. I'm silly.

Well, it's that time of year again. Easter weekend is here, and of course I couldn't let it pass without comment. When you're through here, have a look at our joint blog, where our alter egos carry out more tomfoolery related to the day. We really couldn't resist getting a bit carried away with ourselves, by the way.

I thought I'd mark the occasion here with pics, editorial cartoons, and various nonsense (it's me, what did you expect?). Enjoy, and have a great Easter!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Old Man Winter Likes It Here, And Wants To Stay

"You have willingly and maliciously deceived millions of people with your vicious lies about the proper return of spring. Across the land, people are screaming for your blood. While you went and predicted an early spring in February, that early spring never came. Instead we were getting blizzards, ice storms, cold fronts. Does that sound like spring weather to you? Well, you've given us no choice, Phil. For your reckless disregard for the feelings of millions of people who wanted winter to end, and despite the wishes of a few lunatics out there who for some reason love winter, I find you guilty of fraud, and hereby sentence you to ten thousand years imprisonment on Skull Island until you learn your manners. No, that is not excessive, Phil. You should have tried to get a judge who didn't despise the word snow."  ~ transcripts of verdict and sentencing of Punxsutawney Phil by Justice Clayton "Hangman" Maddox, June 2013

My maternal grandparents had a farm for years before retirement, in a snowbelt area of southern Ontario. The nearest sizeable town was a place called Hanover, and the farm was part of a large area that in winter gets hammered by snow, influenced by Lake Huron and the high winds spreading out across the various tracts of farmland. My mother has said that if you went up there for a visit in the winter, you packed enough clothes for three or four days in case you got stuck. When my grandparents first started living there, the farmhouse was surrounded by rows of evergreen trees, which shaded the place. My father suggested cutting some of them down to let in some light. My grandfather had decided to wait and see, thinking they were there for a good reason.

And indeed they were, as they found out that first winter. The trees provided a solid wall of insulation for the house against the winds, blocking the snowdrifts that built up across the fields. Without those trees, things might have gotten a tad bit cold, even in a well heated farmhouse. While they were living there, one year towards the end of his life, my grandmother's father came over for a visit in the winter. He was used to winter ending in late February in the Netherlands-at least what passed for winter in the mild lowlands of the Dutch. One day in early April, with a snowstorm howling outside, my great-grandfather shook his head and asked, "Does the winter ever end in this country?"

We're now officially a week into spring, though it doesn't quite feel like it. We've had snow on both sides of the border, a nice trick by Mother Nature to tweak our noses (it's quite welcome to me personally, but I'm silly that way). Here in the Ottawa Valley, the first day of spring had snow, and we're still mostly buried by it. We've had blizzard conditions in the Canadian Prairies, where a passenger train was stopped for a day because of snowdrifts a few days ago, and where conditions in one area caused a pileup traffic nightmare. In the United States, the last storm resulted in snow warnings in fifteen states across a wide area. Even overseas, Great Britain is still getting snow; I've seen the pictures on a couple of British blogs I follow. And in a gag lawsuit, the groundhog Punxsutawney Phil is being sued by an attorney for his incorrect prognostications of an early spring.

Many people find themselves wondering where spring is. I'd like to say that spring and summer have been scared off by Old Man Winter, who's decided he'll just stick around the neighbourhood for a good long while. After all, there's nothing wrong with some nice, lovely snow. It's good for you. Cold air in the lungs, the crunch of fresh powder under your boots. Lovely. Lovely!

Yes, I know I'm in the minority.

And so I give you a collection of pics for your enjoyment. Herein you'll find editorial cartoons and assorted tomfoolery with spring, winter, and this peculiar inability of the spring to manifest itself. Oh, rest assured, spring will be here. Eventually. Someday. Maybe.

Assuming it didn't get stranded somewhere along the way in a snowdrift.

Monday, March 25, 2013

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

Before getting started today, a bit of business to see to in the form of two links. Over at her blog today, my partner in crime Norma is asking the question about what happened to the spring. Second, at our joint blog, our alter egos Scarlett and James talk about an entirely different use for certain classic adult pleasure toys. Obviously we do get naughty! Check them both out, comment, and let us know what you think!

Now, on with the mischief at hand....

8:05 AM. The staff decides it's perfectly acceptable to get up out of bed before I am prepared to get up. She shifts from underneath me and rises to her feet. Staff, I was perfectly comfortable lying on your stomach and the covers, and you dare alter that?

Staff? Staff? Hey, don't you walk into that bathroom when I'm glaring at you.

8:10 AM. Downstairs. Looking out window. Dismayed by amount of snow outside. I was under the impression this was supposed to be the spring, and yet here we are, still buried in snow. Note to self: have the weather people beaten up. They are the most ineffective staff there is in the world.

8:25 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. Don't think I haven't forgotten what you did, staff. Getting up before I'm ready to get up is a serious mark against you as a staff. Now, breakfast time, since I'm awake. Get moving, staff. No time for yawning.

8:30 AM. Once again the staff gives me field rations. How many times have I told you, staff, I am deserving of much better cuisine than this?

8:32 AM. With much reluctance, I eat some of the field rations. After glaring at the staff.

8:56 AM. Looking out window at endless snow. Hearing the muffled barking of a dog. Recognize it as that idiot dog from that farm. Always wanting to make friends. Why doesn't he understand I don't like him? I wonder if he's barking at something or just his usual barking at everything he sees like a lunatic?

9:35 AM. The barking continues somewhere in the distance. Wherever he is, he's in one place, implying he's chased something up a tree. Fortunately mutts, being a lower species, cannot climb trees.

10:15 AM. The barking seems to have stopped. Maybe the dog gave up. Meanwhile, the staff is disrupting my home yet again. Putting up egg and rabbit cutouts on windows, placing the same sort of motif in decorations around the house. I must investigate this. Besides, she's just put down a baby chick figurine on the table, and we can't have that in my house, can we?

10:20 AM. Consulting calendar. Ah, that explains it. Easter is turning up in a few days. The combination of religious holiday and chocolate egg and chocolate rabbit eating binge that humans seem to celebrate. Humans are a strange species. The staff looks puzzled to see me staring at the calendar. What?

10:55 AM. Staff displeased with my swatting the baby chick figurine on the table. Staff, if you weren't putting down inviting targets on my table for me to swat, what reason would you have put them there in the first place?

11:05 AM. Staff has put figurines behind glass cases. Out of my reach. Oh, for opposable thumbs....

1:10 PM. Awake from nap. Even more decorations strewn up all over the place. Staff, you did not clear this with me. I am most dismayed.

1:17 PM. Squirrel on outside windowsill staring in at me. It's that annoying little bastard I hate so much. Pouncing on windowsill. Growling and hissing. Staff! I demand you let me out this instant!

1:20 PM. Staff opens back door. Unlike my usual tendencies to carefully check for cold weather and hesitate to step out, I am in full sprint mode.

1:21 PM. There he is! That annoying little bastard! Beginning all out pursuit. I have you now!!!!

1:22 PM. Squirrel has made it to a tree. Fortunately, I can climb trees. Say your prayers, squirrel....

1:23 PM. Oh, rats. He's out on a branch that's too thin for my weight. Just staring back at me and sneering. I hate you, you do realize that, you annoying little bastard?

1:25 PM. Blast! Foiled again! The annoying little bastard has leapt to another branch and scrambled down the tree. Growling and hissing at him. And um... I think I'm stuck.

1:45 PM. Still stuck in tree. To quote a member of the Fantastic Four... what a revoltin' development this is.

2:25 PM. Okay, look. The staff has no idea I'm up here. If she did, she'd have called the fire department already. She does tend to do that from time to time when I get stuck somewhere. I suspect it has more to do with her eye for what she calls hunky firemen. I don't really see the attraction, but then as I've said before, humans are a strange species.

It can't be that hard to get out of this tree, right?

2:30 PM. Somewhere that annoying little bastard is laughing at me. I just know he is. Keep laughing, nuts for brains. Someday, you'll be cornered where you can't escape. Then you'll be all mine.

3:10 PM. Carefully backing my way down the tree. This of course will not be dignified. Have to hope no one's photographing this.

3:15 PM. Back inside. Staff asks where I've been. Well, staff, if you'd looked outside, you would have had a chance to call the fire department and get a chance to spend some time with a bunch of guys you seem to find irresistable. Must be the abs.

6:10 PM. Waking up from nap. Staff making dinner. Nice smells. I do believe lamb is somehow involved.

6:12 PM. Staring at staff while she's preparing dinner. Staff, I have had a most unpleasant day, and it would speak well of you to spoil me rotten. Do I have to resort to the rubbing my head against your leg trick while purring? I know that gets you to do just about everything I want....

6:15 PM. Have resorted to the purring and head rub against the staff's legs trick. Works everytime. The staff gives me a plate of meat and some milk. Most enjoyable, staff. The lamb tastes exquisite. Makes up for the field rations this morning, not to mention your getting up out of bed before I was ready.

10:55 PM. Staff yawning. Time for bed soon, no doubt. Weather channel predicts more snow. And this is supposed to be spring?

Maybe that annoying little bastard will get buried by an avalanch. It would serve him right.